Recovering Born-again christian

When I read through my old mission statement, I cringed.

I am a recovering born again christian.

No, I am not a born again who is recovering.......I am recovering from BEING A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.

I know that will offend some and I know that will cause some to believe that I am decieved; but that is what I am.

My husband and I walked away from our church group 4 years ago next month.

Sometimes when one is growing, one needs to shed things that don't work.

One needs to walk away from things that aren't truth in order to follow truth.

So the vision for Hannah's Haven has changed even from the mission statement.

What wasn't printed in the blog was the original proposed board of directors that we had in order to make the place a nonprofit ministry. Seeing names of people that I once loved deeply reminded me of what we left behind to follow what we felt was right.

I no longer believe that the church of today is doing what Jesus called us to do.

Or should I reword that to say, I no longer believe that organized religion is the church- if you are referring to the bride of Christ.

I no longer believe that the bible is the inerrant word of God. Seriously. Don't fall of your seat- I'm not evil- I just can't pretend anymore that there aren't contradictions and some really weird and scarey stories in there. Fathers sleeping with daughters and men inheriting their brother's wives....well, is there something wrong with me because I don't get it anymore? Or maybe now I GET IT and I want off of the boat.

Beam me up Scotty.

So, would Hannah's Haven be a christ centered place. Yes, I would like to believe so. But it wouldn't be a place that many christians would feel comfortable with.

I often let my mind wander- and truthfully, I have a really hard time believing that Jesus is the man that modern church leadership is telling us he is.

I don't believe that he hates the homosexual. sorry. It just doesn't make sense with his character.

I don't believe that he wants us to spend days and hours behind church doors with like minded people patting ourselves on the backs because we have arrived because we are born again.

I don't believe that he wants us to tithe and give more than tithe so that there is enough money to build bigger buildings, go on television, or have a better air conditioner for hot sunday worship jams.

sorry.

and the biggest sin that I committ of all?
I really don't believe that Jesus is a republican.

I could go on. The truth is I have a lot of questions about God and if that makes me a sinner, well, better that I sin for having questions than to LIE and pretend to be holy.

Where is this ramble coming from?

A wonderful, sweet, loving woman that I work with was sharing with me why Hannah's Haven isn't being bloomed yet.

She believes that I need to be in a church group, under a covering and from that place the Lord will push this vision out of me.

She further believes that it isn't manifesting because I am self focused on my own vision and not tending to the broader needs of the church body.

hhhmmmm. been there, done that. Served, served, served, served, served and served.

I trusted in God, I sat under the authority of my church leadership, I focused on everyone else's needs to the determint of my own. Seriously. I gave to the building fund, I gave to the collections.......and my own two children had no beds of their own. OKOKOK I am a cosleeper anyway so it wasn't too painful, but my children had needs that I wasn't meeting because I was trusting God by giving to the church first.

When this woman said this, I spent the next 3 days contemplating it.

My conclusion ?

If I have to return to the church, to get under an annointing, to give of myself, my time, my gifts, my money and my family to the level that we were???

Then not only do I NOT WANT THIS VISION, I am pretty sure that I don't want to be in heaven with this God that the church has described.

If what it takes is for me to simply return to church to have Hannah's Haven.......

then I wash my hands of Hannah's Haven and walk away this moment.

without regret or remorse.

Because even though I am not sure about God on many things- I know this- what He isn't is the abusive task master, vampire like God that many are speaking he is....

shame on them.